Remembering Senna
As the 4th anniversary of his death draws closer, I find myself reflecting a lot on Senna’s life and legacy. Grief is an interesting creature in and of itself. Sometimes it feels as if he never existed. I find myself wanting to say his name out loud, concerned that if I don’t talk about him, his memory will fade. Other times it seems as if it was only yesterday that we chose to humanely end his suffering, and I remember exactly the way his head fit inside my hand as I stroked his face. Senna was my soul mate. My first true love. My teacher. The reason I am a dog trainer. Here is his story.
I remember the exact moment that I saw him for the first time. I was a naïve and innocent 16 year old volunteering at the local animal shelter in rural Kentucky. It was my first day volunteering and I was so excited to help. At the time, I had little understanding of how animal shelters should run or about the more unsavory aspects of working in a shelter environment. My supervisor told me to clean cages, and when I walked down the hallway lined with kennels, there he was.
He was small and scared and all alone. As soon as our eyes met, I knew that he belonged together. I needed him. He needed me. I have never believed in love at first sight until that moment and I will never believe in it again. I remember coming home at the end of my shift and begging my parents to let me bring him home. I eventually convinced them, but Dad got to name him. So Senna was named after the Brazilian Formula 1 race car driver, Ayrton Senna da Silva. (A dog could do worse than be named after a generous philanthropist and one of the most eligible bachelors of the time period, right?)
As time went on, and Senna aged, became leash reactive. I did what most college kids would do and went to the internet for how to fix him. (Don’t do this y’all.) I watched videos and read articles and I made so many mistakes with him during this time. (Some of these mistakes would cause lifelong effects, but I will write a separate post on this.) Eventually, I found positive reinforcement dog training and never looked back.
Senna and I went to work. Now that I understood that his leash reactivity was stemming from fear, I set out to get him used to seeing other dogs on leash and pairing them with positive things. The next few years were spent working constantly with him and I did see vast improvements in his behavior and anxiety. He didn’t want to be a jerk, but I had been setting him up to fail for so long. I wasn’t doing it purposefully, I just was young and didn’t know better. We were young and grew a lot during our time together.
Throughout our life together, we experienced a lot as a team. We went to college, moved countless times, met my husband, got engaged, then married, and bought our first home. If you know me, you know that I have been with and loved my wonderful husband for many years. Senna came first and was one of the last things remaining in my life that came pre-John. He was in some ways, a lifeline to my independence.
When he got sick, I knew that his time was short but I was nowhere near prepared to lose him. When he died, it felt like my world had ended. Everything had changed. Senna was my constant shadow and companion, following me everywhere. I still find myself looking for him when I move around the house, missing him a lot even years later. It reminds me of phantom limb pain. Aching for something that was once there, but not anymore.
Senna gave me knowledge and he gave me a lot of training skills that I undoubtedly wouldn’t have developed without him. He gave me unconditional love and he gave me forgiveness. Most importantly, Senna gave me a purpose. Because of him I realized that I wanted to devote my time and energy into learning how to help other dogs and their people. Because of him, I developed a passion for science based dog training and I owe the majority of my career to him.
As the anniversary of his death approaches, I choose to remember him in this way. For igniting a fire within me to not only be better, but to do better for others. I will try not to be sad and mourn my loss, I will try to focus on what he brought into the world. If I can help humans and dogs communicate more effectively, I know I will have made him proud.